I got an email in the middle of the night last night, around 1 AM. Last night was one of those nights that my body was so exhausted, but as is the case many nights, I couldn't turn my mind off. I get my emails on my phone, so I looked at it. It was one of these random prayer chains that I really don't know anyone that is a member.

Nevertheless, I typically read them and pray for whoever is asking for prayer. This was for a girl that had bacterial meningitis and had passed out, unresponsive. They said there would be a 5% chance of death under the circumstances and a 95% chance that she would have permanent damage. He had sent a prior email with details of the initial problem, and asked for prayer. The doctors were amazed and calling it a miracle. Thankfully, preliminary tests showed that no indication that any permanent damage was done. He thanked us profusely for the prayers.

This got me thinking again about prayer. Of course, this is not the first time since Evan's death that I have thought about prayer. It's a big question I have, and one that Dad has grappled with too. I remember picking up a book downstairs one day, maybe one Dad has bought recently, by Phillip Yancey, called "Prayer: Does it make any difference?" I was having a bad day, and when I read the title, I snapped back, "Well obviously not or Evan would still be here" as I walked out the front door.

This is hard for me. My family, along with countless others, prayed for Evan's safety daily. I remember Dad telling me about someone at church that had told him she prayed for Evan every day, and that she wasn't just one of those people that said it-he absolutely believed that she really did. I still have written on my dry erase board in my room at my house, where I wrote my prayers down, "Evan-safety". I prayed often, not only for his physical safety, but his mental health as well. I always worried about what he was seeing over there, especially when they lost two soldiers from his company on his first deployment. The bradley right behind him, about 500 ft away. Evan was one of the first on the scene, and it had a profound effect on him, as it would on any of us. He always visited Flint's grave when he was home on leave. I'm getting sidetracked..

Back to prayer. Some of the questions the book addresses are, "Is God listening? Why do so many prayers go unanswered? Why does God let the world go on as it does and not intervene?"Some difficult questions. One of our friends, in an email to my Dad, wrote this:"I, like so many others, prayed for Evan constantly as he served as a soldier. I could never comprehend the anxiety you must have dealt with on a daily basis, being the parent of someone who is constantly in harm's way, hoping for the best and fearing the worst. God did something extraordinary for these past couple of years by keeping him safe and strong each day, answering our prayers and granting him safe returns on each of his visits home.

It's so hard to understand why God granted our prayers for his safety all these months, then changed it all. For some reason it became God's will for Evan to give more than just his time and strength. He gave everything he possibly could, and though it hurts us all here, I know that he gave it proudly and willingly. God has a purpose for everyone in the world and Evan has fulfilled his.I wish for your sake God could have let me make this sacrifice instead of Evan. God has a reason for each day he grants us. Let us all honor him by making each day we live a gift to God and to each other."

It is SO hard to understand why some people have prayers answered, and ours became unanswered. I have never prayed so much in my life as when Evan was deployed, because that's all I could do. I hated that out of control feeling of being over here, while he was over there in harm's way. Another one of dad's friends wrote that he had gone to war, and also had a son that went to Iraq. That Dad was living his worst nightmare, and that it was so much easier for him to go away to war than to have a son over there that he worried about all the time. It's a helpless feeling.

I don't understand why God granted Evan safety on his first deployment, answering our prayers, then changed it all in a second. One moment in time.

I don't know if I ever will.

However, I do believe that when we pray, God hears us. And I believe that there is no possible way I could have made it this far in my new "normal" had God not been carrying me every step of the way.