In the process of moving back into my house, I came across the newspaper articles from Evan's death that I had put aside. Right there on top, the picture that I grew to dislike so much, the one of me that landed itself front and center of the Banner Herald, maybe because everyone kept calling it a "beautiful picture", and to me, there was nothing beautiful about it.

To me, it was just sad. A picture of me lying on the casket of my brother. I remember asking my roommate that night if it was "appropriate" that I went up to the casket. I think I even said something like, "watch that be on the front page tomorrow."

Some things never change. Here I was, worried about what others might deem appropriate or not, what others were thinking of me. I came to the conclusion that it was appropriate for me, and what I felt at the time, and that made it perfectly all right. I didn't know I was going up there until I did it, and all I wanted in that moment was to be close to my brother. I longed for that.

I was talking to a friend about that picture recently, and I told him that I disliked it and that I felt it was an invasion of privacy. I told him it was fine to have pictures of Evan and I together, but I didn't like the pictures of my family in mourning, broadcast for the world to see. As if we weren't in the spotlight already.

But he told me that because so many just can't imagine what it's like, having never been through it, that maybe it gave some glimpse into the effect that this war is having on families. I considered it a moment, and agreed. So many people seem detached from this war, and this certainly brings it home to all those who know our family, even those who don't.

I wonder if I'm ever going to wake up. I reread the article, and looked at that last name, "Marshall". I'm still in shock. Will it ever really feel like this has happened? I can't answer that, I simply don't know. Mom said something in the beginning that I still feel. She said my head knows that Evan's gone, but my heart just won't believe it. So true. It's easier to think he's away at war. He wasn't supposed to be here. I still think he's going to call one day, or maybe just show up and walk through my parent's door, and then this nightmare would finally be over.

I had a dream last night, only this time, Evan was a little boy. I don't remember much about it, just that he was playing among friends, but I do remember he was wearing a "Whit Davis" t-shirt (he went to school there). I always thought he was just the most precious little boy. All kids are pretty cute, but there was something special about him.

I watched "Walk the Line" a few days ago with my Mom, and a line that he said struck me-June Carter said something about dedicating a song to his brother, and Johnny said that actually his brother had passed. She said she was sorry, and he said that it was ok, and he actually hadn't talked about him in some time. He said that he talked about his brother a lot at first, but that he felt people were tired of hearing about it, and so he stopped.

This was so sad to me, I suppose because so often I feel people are tired of hearing me talk about Evan, so I've stopped for the most part. That may not be the case, perhaps it's just how I feel because I've talked about it so much. Of course sometimes it's easier not to talk about it, but often I need to. Getting it out here helps too.

I went out to the cemetary yesterday for the first time in a while. I took my new Coldplay CD and parked my car right there on the street, and played through the whole CD as I sat in my car. Sometimes I am comforted going out there, and other times I have trouble stopping the tears. Coldplay was one of his favorite bands, and it's one of mine too.

Tomorrow is July 4th, and as was the case with Memorial Day, it has a whole new meaning for me and for my family. We are going to the dedication of the Veteran's Memorial in Oconee tomorrow morning, which they have asked us to participate in. I had several options to spend time with friends that afternoon, but I want to be with my parents, and we're heading to the lake for the day after that, with some dear friends.

And as we do every day we remain on this earth, we honor him tomorrow, and the sacrifice that he made. And we recognize that this is a temporary separation, and that we will all be together again one joyous day. And we celebrate the 4th together too, and remember that Evan would want us to live our lives fully, and in his honor.