I often say that my mind is a battlefield: that it is by far, my biggest enemy. How often we think these horrible thoughts, that we know we shouldn't be thinking, that only add to our pain? How often I wish I could make them just go away, but they hang around, threatening to take over, to steal me away, to draw me closer to them and away from some of the pain that has seemingly been lifted. Often these come in the form of "what ifs." They make me crazy.

I recently received the third book on grief, sent to me by church. They are so good that I have wanted the next one after each that I have read; but they only send them out after a certain amount of time has elapsed. One of the chapters on the most recent book that I received relates to dealing with anger.

It talks about how most people say they expected to feel sad about their loss, but the emotion many people say surprised them was anger. I am thankful to say that for the most part, my anger has subsided. But I was very surprised by this emotion, particularly from a girl that really doesn't have an angry bone in her body. Even when someone does something that should, I suppose, make me angry, I get upset-not mad. And that's just the way I have always been.

The book says that the three most common targets of our anger are: God, our loved one who has died, and ourselves. I don't think this could be more true, and I have, in fact, experienced this in every realm that the book discusses.

I have undoubtedly had spurts of anger over the past few months. Particularly, I was angry at God for a long time. I remember a friend telling me that I should tell him I was mad at him, because he already knew. The book talks about how many people hold that inward, or are ashamed to tell anyone that, but it goes on to say that it is perfectly ok to be angry at God. It even says that you should scream at God if you like. That's what many of the writers of the Psalms in Bible did.

I was also angry at the people who told me it was God's will that Evan was killed. Kim Arnold, whose daughter recently suffered a traumatic brain injury, responded to her daughter, who asked her why this had happened to her: “I don’t know why. But I do know that God didn’t cause it to happen." Everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs, but I choose to believe that God is not the author of suffering, and he does not will that evil things happen like this. There is, however, evil in the world, and I believe that he did NOT will this to happen to my brother. I do believe he can use it for good, because it has happened. But he didn't will this to happen to Evan, and he didn't want this for our family.

My friends never knew when I would snap right there in the beginning. It really scared me, in fact, because I didn't even recognize myself, or the anger that I felt. I snapped at those friends who would call incessantly in the beginning, then show up when I ignored the phone calls, because I just wanted to be alone. One time I practically threw the water at one of my friends for shoving anti-depressants at me that I didn't want to take (Mom coaxed her into the job, it wasn't really her fault). I screamed a few times in my car, alone of course, for fear of people thinking I was crazy. Of course, everyone was just trying to help. I was just mad at the world.

I have also at times, and I am a bit scared to admit this to the world, but I have been mad at my brother. This is when those "what ifs" take over in my head. I cannot HELP but have the thought that if Evan had not chose to join the Army; if he had, in fact, just made a different decision, decided to go to college, or go to work; anything but join the military-that he would still be here. When he was in basic four years ago, I remember one of the parents asking how many would be deployed; the response? Everyone. I remember my heart sinking in that very moment.

On the other hand, Evan had become a totally different person since joining the Army, and I cannot deny that fact. Whose to say what may or may not have happened, had Evan made a different decision? My mind plays games with me sometimes.

Lastly, I have been mad at myself on numerous occasions. Things from the past; that sibling rivalry that most kids have, but many don't really give much thought to because they still have their brother or sister in their life. But how profound they seem after the loss of someone so close.

In the final paragraph, it goes on to say that recognizing, accepting, and expressing anger can be a very healing experience. I believe that-I believe that letting go of it can be healing.

I believe that all the emotions that surface when we lose someone so close to us are healthy, and normal, and that we have to find ways of getting them out, of expressing them, or they will inevitably come back later in life, in a variety of different ways. It's interesting how all these things that I thought were "crazy", that I didn't want anyone to know, are actually perfectly normal. I just didn't know much about grief.

Finally, I am so very thankful to have friends and family that have, and continue to, stick by me, through every emotion that I have experienced since this new journey began. From people who have been friends since I was a child, to acquaintances that I never in a million years expected to be such strong sources of comfort, each and every one of you have helped me to keep breathing, and I am grateful.