I'm struggling, and I'm tired of pretending I'm not. It is these moments that I'm alone that it seems to hit me the hardest.

There's no one in the world that likes to laugh and be happy like me, but I'm just not. I'm haunted by constant images of my wedding day without Evan. Of feeling so helplessly alone as my parents age. Of never being an Aunt. Most importantly though, the comfort and support of my only sibling, this only other person in the world that has my DNA, to go through life beside me. All these things that were snatched from me that moment that Evan's life ended.

I know this pit becase I've been in it many times in my life, and many before my family went through this. My closest friends are certainly aware of this, but I struggled with depression long before Evan was killed. This is why I constantly ask myself the question of why ME, of all people that could survive and be strong and get through this, I'm not one of them. I'm just not cut out for this kind of stuff.

And it just wasn't supposed to happen. Period.

I hate feeling so dependent on others, and I hate that I've felt so needy the last few months. That I needed someone to sleep in the bed with me for so long because I didn't want to be alone. That I've been emotionally needy with all my friends, who never know if I'm going to be my cheery self or in a puddle of despair. And every time I go back to Athens, all I want to do is be anywhere else.

All I feel, right now, is lost.

Then something within reminds me that I can be strong, and I will be strong, for the sole reason that I have to be. I don't have a choice.