Just when I think I'm over a hump, I feel like I'm back to square one.

I voiced my frustration to a friend of mine recently. That all I want is to get better. I want to get better, I want to make my parents better, I don't want us all to be sad anymore. He reminded me that this is a process, and it may take years for me to feel better and back to "normal"-rather, adjusted to this new normal. He told me to be patient and ask God for help.

It is difficult to be patient in this situation, but he's absolutely right. I am not going to feel better overnight, that's just not the way it works. As desperately as I want to, it just doesn't happen that way.

The last day we were on the cruise, I was laying out on the deck and ended up talking to one of the friends we made on the ship. Apparently I came off as having "only child syndrome"(imagine that!) and he asked me several times if I was an only child. I guess he could tell I was avoiding the question, but he was persistent so I finally told him the situation. I forget sometimes that there are people that out there that don't know (of course). I told him what happened very matter of factly, and he told me he was sorry. That's all I really need to hear-I thought if one more person told me it was God's will or to "snap out of it", I would go nuts. Just a simple, "I'm sorry" is sufficient-not rationalizing, or telling me "he's in a better place". (I'm really glad he's in a better place. It would be nice to have him for 60 more years first. Call me selfish, but I want him here). I kept it together, then had my meltdown later on the deck with Colleen. I think it's good that I'm getting it out though.

In the course of our conversation and through my tears (and me telling her for the 800th time that I just can't believe he is really gone), she asked me if I could feel Evan with me. As much as I desperately want to feel him with me, I told her no. Then I remembered a conversation I had with a friend of mine, Lori, after my wreck about a month and a half ago.

She told me that she didn't want to upset me, but that she knew Evan was with me in that wreck, keeping me safe. I believe that. Maybe it's crazy, but I don't really care. I believe that God was with me, and I believe that Evan was with me that night. So many what if's..If I had been in my Civic with no side airbags, I would certainly have been severely injured at least. She nailed me in my driver's side in an SUV. It's a very good thing I was in my Volvo.

It's hard to believe I walked away with a bump on my head. No, it's not-it's confirmation that I'm still here for a purpose, that God has me here for a PURPOSE. That he wants me to feel true happiness and joy and peace again, even when I don't believe that, even when it's hard to see through all the pain and suffering, even when profound sadness overtakes me, even though I may not see it now.

And if I have to remind myself of that every single day, so be it.