Here I am, still breathing, on Thanksgiving Eve. 10 months ago, I didn't think I would ever breathe again. I really thought my life was over. And it wasn't-but it will never be the same. Evan dominates my mind as I sit here.

Tomorrow it will one year since we were last with him, right before we sent him back for his second deployment. Hard to believe. I think about all the soldiers that are over there, away from their families, through the holidays this year, and all I want to do is cry for them. I remember one year, I can't remember if it was Thanksgiving or Christmas, but we were all at my Aunt Claire's house in Columbia, and Evan called us from Iraq, and he was on speaker phone, and we were all in tears by the time we hung up. He was on the line with us while we said the blessing, I remember it so distinctly.

I could never have dreamed this. I am waiting to join a TAPS siblings chat group online at 9 PM tonight, and I'm mad about it. I'm mad I am a part of this group that I never wanted to be a part of. I'm mad that Evan isn't here with us, for the holidays. I'm mad I'm not talking to him downstairs right now, in my parent's living room, or just on the phone. I'll take ANYTHING, but having him gone, forever.

I was looking through some old letters that I had sent to Evan, this particular one being from 2004, that I found to be interesting. Here are some excerpts:

Evan,

I am so glad to have heard from you, and that everything is okay. I'm trying not to worry, but strength has never been my gift. I want you to know that I am so proud of you and the person you have become. I know you will face many challenges, but I have absolutely no doubt that you will succeed in anything you put your mind to. I have the utmost faith in you. I think about you and pray for you every day. I always wonder what you are doing at that moment. I miss you and am so thankful to know that you're fine. I love you, Alice

I think so often of how I want to tell him again, how proud I am, and that he is my hero. He knew-I have many, many letters that prove that, but I just want one more.

I sat at the cemetary yesterday in complete disbelief. Sometimes I still have that out of body feeling. I wonder if I will have that for the rest of my life.

I will close with a letter that my dad sent out to our family and friends, the day that Evan returned from Iraq on his first deployment. He was elated, as we all were, that he was back on U.S. soil. I think it is something that we should all think about as we approach the holidays especially, and as we remember our soldiers that fight so that we may have freedom.

Dear Friends,

Although I usually resist the urge to send out mass emails, I want to share the wonderful news with you that my 20 year old son, Specialist Evan A. Marshall, 3rd Heavy Brigade Combat Team, 4th Infantry Division, has safely returned to the US from ths year long deployment to Iraq. He called us at 2 AM this morning from Maine on his way back to Ft. Carson, Colorado with his fellow soldiers. Let us keep the troops who remain in harm's way in service to our country in our prayers, and let us appreciate the sacrifices that our military, past and present, have made which enable us to exercise the freedoms which we so often take for granted. Sheila, Alice, and I deeply appreciate the expressions of support and concern which we have received over the past year.

Drew

And so it is. This is what I call my "new normal", which I am now living in. In Evan's words, peace is accepting life as it is rather than how you think it should be or how you want it to be. This is life now, and all I can do now is work towards accepting what has happened, and honoring my brother, who I was blessed to have for 21 years, as long as I have breath.