"Peace is only a thought away..."

Those wise words that Evan left with us from his sermon on Youth Sunday are the same words I have to remind myself over and over again.

I celebrated a birthday yesterday, and into this weekend. I do have the most amazing friends, that picked me up even though last week, celebrating was the last thing on my mind. I just didn't feel like celebrating, and I didn't WANT to celebrate without Evan. He always asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I always told him not to get me anything. And he always did..

Today is also the anniversary of my grandmother's death last year. I remember bursting into tears in the middle of the night, when I awoke and got the message on my cell phone. I am the only girl in the family, so I was her only granddaughter. I remember one of her close friends coming up to me at her funeral and whispering in my ear, "Your grandmother absolutely adored you." As she did Evan. Oh-how proud she was of Evan. I stayed on the phone with the Army and Red Cross people for days trying to get Evan flown home for the funeral. It was the first time our entire family has been together in so long, it seemed. That would have been the second to last time I saw him, I suppose.

Her anniversary also reminds me that it is a few months until we will encounter the first year anniversary of Evan's death. And so we enter the first holidays without him. Holidays were usually some of the only times we got to see him when he joined the military, and came home on leave. The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year. I remember distinctly being at my Aunt Claire's last Christmas, and I happened to awaken when he called her house. I was so thankful because it was early in the morning and normally I wouldn't have been up. I talked to him on the phone for a good while. That would be the last time I heard his voice. He would go through periods of time when he was on a mission of some sort, and just wouldn't be able to call..

Is it possible that it has almost been a year? It seems like it was yesterday that we got the news, and at the same time, forever since I have heard his voice..

It seems that lately, I have undergone an "attack" of some sort. On my mind, I suppose. I am haunted constantly by images in my head that just won't go away. Of that horrible day, January 28th.

I imagine the circumstances of it. Of any thoughts that may have gone through Evan's head that morning. Did he know? Was he scared? When I get to a certain point, I just have to stop, for fear I am really going to make myself crazy. I want to cry and scream and just breathe again. I want to wake up and have a "normal day", to wake up and have my brother in my life again. I feel like I'm drowning.

Did this really happen?? The culmination of all my fears the whole time he was deployed, in one moment in time, realized?

I go back to Evan's sermon constantly. Sometimes, it's the only thing that keeps my breathing, I am convinced. I remind myself of his last few words. "Whether you choose to be at peace or not is up to you. Peace is only a thought away."

Yes, peace is a choice. It's MY choice, and no one else can choose it for me. I must choose it for myself.